How Can a Sleep Consultant Save My Marriage?
I am not a marriage counsellor, nor do I pretend to be, but every day I receive emails from parents all over the world telling me how I have saved their marriage…how could I, a sleep consultant do that? Let us go back, and I will tell you all about it and how it could save your marriage.
These letters of thanks, mainly come from mothers, sometimes fathers, who say they were spending no time together, were fighting all night, felt emotionally drained & were absolutely at the end of their rope. The common theme in all these letters that seems to be the root of all the martial angst. Lack of SLEEP. But how can the lack of sleep be ruining your marriage?
The question I wish to ask is why isn’t anyone talking about this?
Us all-knowing too well that marriage takes work and lots of it. To feel happy in our relationships, needing to feel supported and nurtured. Need to make time to connect on every level, from the emotional to physical. We also know how quickly we can start to disconnect from our spouse in certain circumstances. The disconnection sadly chips away at the very foundations of the marriage until there doesn’t seem to be much more to fight to save.
Sadly, in recent census about marriage, shows stats that the average marriage lasts eight years before ending in divorce. During this time, couples often experience many stressful events that can put a strain on a marriage. They may move to larger houses, take on more debt, start new careers and, of course…HAVE CHILDREN. Add months or years of interrupted sleep to all this, and you have a recipe for disaster!
Fact from my consultations
Often during my seminars & consultations, I ask parents (mostly 95% of mothers attend these) how they feel when they are tired. The responses are usually similar. Feeling grumpy, depressed & emotional. Overreact, argue, don’t eat properly. Mothers feel overwhelmed by the demands of the children & spouse. They feel burnt out, helpless, scatterbrained. One mother shared with me that she was that exhausted one morning that she put the toaster in the fridge & didn’t notice until she went to make toast the next day!
Dealing with a baby or toddler several times in the night leads to feelings of resentment for mothers, not necessarily towards their children but more towards their spouse. A mother said, “I don’t get angry at the baby, but I sure let me husband have it the minute he walks in the door!” At 3 am, arguments often ensure about whose job is more important the next day. Yes, dad has to work, but stay-at-home mothers have to get up and deal with children all day, equally as demanding a profession. One mother told me that after the sixth wake-up one night. She walked into her husband’s “bedroom” and screamed at the top of her lungs that he should get out of bed and deal with his child or she was moving out!
Is the father wrong here?
To be fair to fathers, they don’t always know how to they can help. It’s a helpless and frustrating feeling for many fathers to try. As they repeatedly to put their children to sleep only to fail time and time again. Often the mother will eventually walk into the room and take over once she sees that her partner is unsuccessful. Only leads to more frustration for both parties.
I regularly see couples (and did this myself with my first two children 22 years ago) I shared my bed with them. Not by choice. But out of sheer desperation. I call this “co-sleeping out of necessity,” meaning that co-sleeping was not their first choice. But it seemed like it was the only way anyone could get more than a few hours of rest. What this often leads to is mom and baby in one bed and dad in another. One couple I saw had not shared a bed in eight years! One parent slept with the older child, while the other slept with the younger. Tell me how that can be good for a marriage!
What a marriage must have is
There is no denying that sharing a bed with your spouse is a crucial ingredient to a healthy relationship. Not just for sex, but for that deep intimacy that comes in the night when you reach out for your partner, and they are there. It’s the pillow talk you have before falling asleep that can be the one time of day that couples can share their thoughts, feelings and dreams. Even if it is just to talk about the cute things the children did that day, it is still an essential connection. That is pretty hard to do when there is a sleeping baby in someone’s arms. The mere thought of accidentally waking that baby that you just took an hour of rocking to get to sleep so scares most parents that they wouldn’t even dream of striking up a conversation.
Then there is the constant movement and restlessness of most children. Which in the end drives one parent from the bed somewhere in the night. Even if it means sleeping in the toddler bed, it is usually a preferred option to having a tiny foot in your face all night.
The time scale and effect
Do all this for months, even years and its no surprise that marriage would start to disintegrate fast. In my opinion, one of the most important things I can give to my children, besides a good night’s sleep is a healthy and well-functioning marriage. I want them to see how a couple who love each other act toward one another. Them to know that we make time for each other and nurture the relationships that matter the most to us. They need to see how all family members’ needs are essential, not just their own. So let’s save your marriage.
Wishing them to see all this so they will go out into the world and find these things for themselves and eventually model the same for their children. But I can’t do this if I am exhausted. I can’t do this if the only thing I care about at the end of the day is going to sleep for a few hours. It is hard to do this if my children are by my side twenty-four hours a day. Harder do this if I resent my husband because he won’t or can’t help me in the night. I am unable to do this if every day, the only thing I can think about is getting my child to sleep more.
The real challenge is that the issue is simply not discussed!
Couples are ashamed that their marriages are falling apart for no better reason than simple lack of sleep. I profoundly & passionately believe that by shining a spotlight on this issue. We can make a dramatic and vital difference in the lives of millions of people.
As you can see. It is not just a matter of “wanting to get a better night’s sleep”; the issues go much deeper than that. It’s about creating a healthy and nurturing environment for every family member. Feeling better about your job as a parent, and about having extra energy and time to stay connected to yourself and your spouse. Save your marriage.
No one could live on a diet of only bread and water. You might be able to do it for a few weeks, maybe even months if committed, but eventually you are going to start to feel depleted, resentful, unhealthy, and bored. The same said for telling a parent that their sleepless nights. Saying they are just something that they are going to have to “just live with.” How can that be the best thing for a baby? How can a mother /father live their best life on a diet of bread & water?
The reason I choose this profession
It is for this reason why I know that the career choice I have made in my commitment to sleep & helping families be the best they can be has been one of the most rewarding decisions of my life. I have lost count of the number of mothers who tell me they are so thankful they are for my guidance and support…she could have never done this without me. How is it changed her entire life by is given her back to herself while giving her back time with her partner? Always wonderful to hear how something so seemingly “small” as getting a restful sleep night after night has had such a profound impact on overall happiness.
I know personally also how much a difference it can make to the family. That this program works not only by promoting proper sleep which in turns ensure children and baby development is precisely where it’s supposed to be. While it also ensures the family environment. Surrounded by love & nurturing 24/7, giving the child a secure and stable environment they need to thrive. That is what every parent’s wishes for more than anything else, a thriving, stable loved child surrounded by love which it sees and feels daily. Save your marriage.
So what help is there.
I can help your family reach this place, with my personal story I can relate entirely to where you are right now. Knowing that the situation with sleep can help remove a lot of the strain that is felt by everyone. When resolved the feeling of darkness and resentment lifts to love & passion for each other. It’s the best feeling in the world to watch those you love blossom in front of you.
For your own family, a FREE 15 min sleep evaluation call where we can discuss in further detail how I can help your family by stopping the rot of sleepless night killing your marriage and save my marriage. Allow the love for each other bloom again. To book your call, please click on the link below which will take you to my online availability calendar to allow us to start chatting about your own story. I can tell you how I can help you with your families sleep.